Do You Self Sabotage This Way?

I’m grateful for my wife, most days. But yesterday was different. We were having a good conversation, filled with emotion, and she had to go and ask a question of me I didn’t want to answer. What’s worse, it’s a question I’ve learned to ask her over the years.

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I’m grateful for my wife, most days. But yesterday was different.

We were having a good conversation, filled with emotion, and she had to go and ask a question of me I didn’t want to answer. What’s worse, it’s a question I’ve learned to ask her over the years.

What was the question?

Are you answering “no” for them without ever asking?

Do you ever do this? Do you have a conversation in your head with another person where you either a) ask them for something or b) share something, and then because of the imaginary conversation decide not to move forward?

“They’ll only say no.”

“What’s the point? They’re not going to listen.”

“What good will it do? Why should I even try?”

These imaginary conversations make no sense to me, until I do it myself. Because I know everyone’s heart. I know exactly how everyone will react or respond. I know what will happen before it happens, because I’m smarter than everyone else. Or maybe not.

When we answer no for someone else, we are robbing them of the opportunity to surprise us and say yes. What’s more, we are robbing ourselves of the growth that comes from the exchange. There’s something humbling in asking for help or sharing thoughts, and who can’t benefit from a little extra humility now and then?

So, who are you answering “no” for, without ever asking the question? What imaginary conversations do you need to stop having? What are you waiting for?

Three Years Later

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Three years ago this past weekend we said goodbye to my father in law, Andy Hill. You can read more about my reflections in the days that followed by clicking here. Today, I’d like to share a good memory I have of him.

When I decided it was getting close to time to ask Mica to marry me, I knew what came next: asking Andy for his permission.

I was 19 years old at the time. And even writing that today reinforces how young and naive I was. Not because I was getting engaged at such a young age, but because in my mind I was plenty old enough to get engaged. But I digress.

I reached out to Andy and said I had something I wanted to talk to him about and we set up a time to talk. I was understandably nervous, not because I thought he would say no, but because asking for someone’s daughter’s hand in marriage is a once in a lifetime conversation. How do you prepare for that? What’s the lead in? No, really, what’s the first sentence you say in that situation?

I showed up to Andy’s office and he was talking with a friend. I kind of awkwardly and reflectively sat down on his couch after introductions were made and waited for them to finish.

Then, Andy did the thing I least expected. To end his conversation with his friend, he said, “Well, I better let you go. I think this young man is going to ask to marry my daughter.”

Andy had a way of knowing how to navigate conversations. He could read the moment and disarm it. And in that moment he gave me one of the greatest gifts he could: he started the conversation.

As I wrote the first time I reflected on his life, I don’t have a bow or a principle to take from this. I’m just grateful to have had him in my life for as long as I did, and I’m grateful that I get to help carry on his legacy in some way.

Thanks for indulging me today.

4 Surprising Insights for Growth

All in all, I was grateful for a day to reflect. I’ve not arrived as a leader, and I’m okay with that. But I’m trying to grow.

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Last week I was supposed to be gone, but my trip got cancelled. So, I was faced with a decision: do I pick up the things I handed off, or do I go about my day being present, but not filling my normal roles? I chose the latter, and learned a few things.

Before I share some of the insights I gleaned, I think it will be beneficial for you to know where my head’s at currently. I’ve been in ministry for coming up on 19 years. The last 5 or so have seen a significant shift in my approach to ministry. And it’s no coincidence that I’ve been blogging for 5 years!

The shift I’ve made is rather simple: how can I intentionally train and empower others to grow in their leadership influence.

I’ve done this a few ways. I’ve written 470+ blog posts over the past 5 years that served as real time reflections of issues I was facing, as well as observations of things I believe to be leadership principles. I’ve started intentionally meeting with people for the purpose of mutual growth–reading through books together, watching video series, covering leadership principles, etc. I’ve taught teenagers to ask and answer the 3 Questions, and held them accountable in the process.

All that to say, I’m trying to shift to more of an equipper of leaders around me.

So, the Sunday I was present but had planned to be gone, helped give me some perspective on four things:

  1. The things I think won’t get done without me, will actually get done without me. I’ll be considerable more specific than usual, but on a Sunday morning, I tend to stress out about setup. Our ministry is in a season where we are essentially a portable ministry, so setup is a major part of what we do, and we have very little time to do it (10-12 minutes, generally speaking). I made the hard decision not to help with setup (something I lead every week), and things still got set up. People knew the need and felt the responsibility to meet the need, so they met the need. Key takeaway: Be more intentional about encouraging others to take the lead in setup, freeing me up to focus more on connecting.
  2. We have a good flow. I’m a routine guy, so when I can have a routine and work the routine, I feel good. That also means when I’m not the one up front, the routine is still known and understood. I really like the way we’ve structured our teaching model, and think it helps others when they’ve seen the routine and understand the routine. Key takeaway: continue to maximize the routine, but be willing to change it up when necessary.
  3. We have incredible leaders. The adults who work with students are great. It was a low adult Sunday due to a holiday weekend, but the ones who showed up were fully engaged and ready to make a difference. More than that, our student leaders, for the most part, get it and are willing to step up when given the opportunity.
  4. There’s still room to grow. I don’t think I could miss a month without a hitch, and I don’t know if that should even be my goal. But, there’s still room to grow. There are still people to train, there are still people to empower, there are still needs to be met. We are not there. Key takeaway: keep pouring into those around me.

All in all, I was grateful for a day to reflect. I’ve not arrived as a leader, and I’m okay with that. But I’m trying to grow.

Now, think about your arena of influence. If you were scheduled to be gone and were able to be a fly on the wall, what might you learn? Do you think you’d be pleased or disappointed? Are you holding on to things because you think no one else will do them? Do you need to make adjustments so confusion is minimized? Take a minute to reflect on how you might grow as a leader, and how you can lead those around you to do the same.

Your Growth Matters

Take steps today that will provide benefit for you tomorrow, next week, next year, and five years down the road. You’ll be better for it, trust me. Or trust John Maxwell.

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If you’ve been reading my thoughts for very long, you’ve probably figured out I’m a fan of a little known leadership guy named John Maxwell. Have you heard of him?

I try to listen to his leadership podcast regularly, but find myself listening in spurts. I checked in last week for one that was, in my opinion, top notch. And I want to share it with you.

But before I share the information, let me share a quick word.

Your growth matters.

Your personal growth, your professional growth, your leadership growth, your relational growth, and your spiritual growth all matter immensely to who you are as a person. The people around are blessed or hindered by your growth. And growth is not a short term process. Healthy growth requires a long game mentality.

Take steps today that will provide benefit for you tomorrow, next week, next year, and five years down the road. You’ll be better for it, trust me. Or trust John Maxwell.

Okay, now here you go. You can search for The John Maxwell Leadership Podcast in your podcast player, or here’s a link to his show page where you can watch a YouTube version of the podcast and download a worksheet to go along with John’s talk.

What step are you going to take today to grow? What are you waiting for?

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Happy New Year

I love the New Year. “Resolutions” are usually hit or miss as to what people think of them. I don’t know that I set actual resolutions, but I do try to lean into the rhythm and energy that comes with a new year.

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If you haven’t noticed, I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus the last few months. But I didn’t want to let the New Year pass without a post, mostly because I love the New Year.

“Resolutions” are usually hit or miss as to what people think of them. I don’t know that I set actual resolutions, but I do try to lean into the rhythm and energy that comes with a new year.

A few years ago I worked up a sheet to review a year, and it made an incredible difference for the next year. I’d like to share that worksheet with you. There’s nothing magical about it, other than the time you take to put into it.

I remember hearing John Maxwell say “Experience isn’t the best teacher. Evaluated experience is.” That is incredibly true. It’s not enough to have an experience and expect to grow. If we truly want to grow, we have to evaluate. I almost erased that last line, but I think it’s incredibly true.

I’m going to spend the rest of this week evaluating and preparing for 2022. I’ve already done quite a bit of that, but I want the energy of the new year to continue to carry me. Will you do the same?

As for the worksheet I mentioned, I’ll send it out to subscribers on Thursday, but you have to be subscribed. So, if you don’t get these posts in your inbox, go here to subscribe!

And if you want a little more of my thoughts on the worksheet and some reflections pre-pandemic, you can go here.

Let’s make 2022 the best yet.

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