In the Trenches | Three Question Leadership

Find a Delicate Balance

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I have a question for you today: how much of what you believe about yourself is because of what you tell yourself, or because of what others tell you?

I have a pretty harsh inner critic. I’m constantly battling self-doubt and thoughts of not being able to stand up to the expectations I put on myself. I struggle with the person I want to be–am I simply “faking it till I make it” or am I really the kind of leader I want to be?

That’s where good friends come in to play. The people who speak into our lives play a much larger role than we might acknowledge. In moments of doubt and self-defeat, the words spoken to us by those around us can give us life.

But it goes the other way. Countless leaders have met their demise because they are surrounded by people (and refuse to listen to people) who will not and cannot speak truth. We reject their message because it doesn’t fit our narrative, or we don’t enjoy the message.

At the end of the day, we need people who will speak life into us; people who will speak the hard truth in love; people who will love us regardless. But make no mistake: who you surround yourself with matters.

Do you have an old friend to whom you need to reach out today? Do you have a new friend to whom you need to say thanks? Acknowledge the people in your life who make you better. Do it today.

How Big is the Obstacle in Front of You?

Speed bumps are not meant to stop us in our tracks. Speed bumps are meant to slow us down. In decision making, speed bumps are those things that give us hesitation, but ultimately cannot stop our momentum unless we choose to let them. Walls, on the other hand, stop us where we are. They prevent forward momentum. We can climb over a wall, or break it down, but it takes considerably more effort to do so.

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I issued a challenge to my daughter at the beginning of the year. A few weeks ago we started talking about the progress she has made (or not made). As she started listing some challenges that kept her from getting started, I saw an opportunity.

First, let me just say, I don’t spout leadership learning to my children every step of the way. I try to be very conscious of the sheer volume of information I impart on them, and the last thing I want is for them to grow deaf to my voice. But this opportunity was one of the times where I felt like I could speak up.

So, back to the pickup ride. She was listing all the possibilities and all the hang ups why those possibilities may not work. She wasn’t making excuses, but I could recognize some paralysis of analysis taking place. So I offered an image for her to consider: are these obstacles a speed bump or a wall?

Speed bumps are designed with one purpose: to slow people down. Now, you do have some wild people who use speed bumps as an opportunity to create a little havoc in their car, but most people slow down to an acceptable speed, or at least slow down while they swerve around the speed bumps.

Walls, on the other hand, are harder to navigate. Depending on height, location, purpose, construction, and other factors, walls don’t cause us to slow down, they cause us to stop. Very few people get to drive through walls, except for my brother-in-law who did that one time, on accident.

In regards to the Three Questions, some people do not naturally ask the first question – What Needs to Be Done (Awareness). People who struggle with Awareness are faced with the choice as to whether they will allow the first question to be a speed bump or a wall. Will it be something they choose to push through, or will it be something that keeps them from making any progress whatsoever.

For others, the third question (Who Can I Get to Help – Leadership) is the most challenging. I fall into this category. I love accomplishing things, and feel terribly guilty when I ask others to help. So, if you’re like me, the decision we have to make is whether the third question becomes a speed bump that we push through and pass, or does it become a wall that stops us in our tracks.

Today, you’re going to face something you’re not excited about doing. You’re going to have a reason why you can’t or shouldn’t do something. Before you make your final decision, ask yourself this question: is this a speed bump or a wall? Then see what happens.

Growth is a Challenge

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Developing student leaders is a challenge.

It’s a challenge to balance the potential we see with the reality of the moment. But when we help a student realize and achieve that potential, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge to convince a student that developing as a leader actually impacts their athletics. But when we help a student become a stronger leader on the court or field, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge to watch a student wrestle with simple decisions because they are torn in so many directions. But when they take a leap and experience the difference, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge when you have to learn a new personality and admit you had it wrong from the outset. But when they come out of their shell and reveal their talent and skill, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge when a student doesn’t see the value in the basics of expanding their influence. But when they realize their actions speak louder than their commands, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge when accountability is not well received. But when they grow from it, it’s worth it.

It’s a challenge when you invite a student to experience a new level of growth, and they politely turn you down. But when they are ready and accept the invitation, it’s worth it.

Ultimately, the greatest reward of developing student leaders isn’t in the easy moments, it’s in the moments that follow the struggle. I don’t know what challenge you’re facing or dealing with in this season, but know that when a student (or adult, for that matter) leans into developing their own leadership influence, it’s worth it.

Say It Again and Again

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Have you ever gotten frustrated because you’ve had to repeat yourself? One of my biggest pet peeves is having to say the same thing over and over. But maybe, as I think about it, that’s a completely irrational pet peeve.

I write these posts for basically people that fall into one of two categories: 1) People, generally Youth Ministers, who desire to develop student leaders and value thought generation, and 2) People, generally Youth ministers, who want to grow their own leadership influence.

After doing this fairly consistently for 4+ years, much of what I write comes from in the moment experience. I see a situation I’m having to address in my own ministry or in my own leadership, and find a leadership principle to share. As a result, this blog becomes a time capsule of sorts-chronicling my own leadership journey and growth.

But even in the midst of the lessons and principles I try to extract from my current situations, there are a few ideas to which I always return.

And the redundancy of leadership may be one of my favorite and most central principles. I’ve written about it several times, which actually only makes sense. You can read some of those former posts here, here, and here.

But the idea is simple (and not original to me): Vision leaks. No one is as passionate about your mission and vision as you. As you seek to grow your leadership influence, impact your realm, and develop leaders around you, NO ONE is as passionate about your mission as you.

But there are people who are waiting to be invited into your mission. They want to help. They are begging to serve. But they need to be reminded.

And that’s where the redundancy of leadership comes in. Be prepared to repeat yourself. You’re going to have to do so. You are going to have to stand up time and time again and remind people of the target for which you’re aiming, because if you don’t help them know what to shoot for, they will pick their own target.

Few people love doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over. Redundancy gets a bad reputation because it’s boring. But redundancy is necessary.

So whatever vision you’re casting, whatever mission you’re trying to unite people around, whatever goal you’re striving for: Say it again and again.

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Permission to Multiply

And that’s the power of the third question. It’s an excuse to invite someone to join you. If you (or the people you lead) are not naturally gifted at asking for help, the three questions give a framework for expanding leadership influence.

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Today, instead of sharing an old post, here’s a fresh one.

Each week, following our Wednesday night program, I sit down with our student leadership team to evaluate the night. My wife usually hangs around until we finish to make sure kids are getting picked up and other assorted duties.

We’ve recently added a new volunteer, a young man who is excited to help where he can. In addition, I have our summer intern who lives in town and helps on Wednesdays nights as well, and someone I’ve been meeting with weekly for the past year.

A few weeks back, while I was meeting with student leaders, my wife shared this observation. My former intern was putting things up, making trips to and from our “base of operations” (we are essentially a portable ministry within our building for this current season). After he finished about two of the steps, he realized our new volunteer was nearby, and a light bulb went off. He showed the new guy how to do what he was doing, so the next time either of them would be equipped to do the job.

Actually, the conversation was more like this: “Shoot, has Wes taught you the three questions yet? No? Okay, he will, but until then, let me show you what I’m doing.”

That influence expansion begins with cleanup after a program, but very quickly, as the muscle is developed, it grows into leveraging influence to lead others in accomplishing a goal.

Someone around you needs permission to ask others for help. Teach them the three questions and see what happens!

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Category: In the Trenches

Find a Delicate Balance

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How Big is the Obstacle in Front of You?

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Growth is a Challenge

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Say It Again and Again

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Permission to Multiply

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